Que Sera Sera

This time 3 weeks ago I was on the eve of a long awaited and highly anticipated journey, walking the West Highland Way with my oldest son. Sadly it didn’t go as planned. I had to stop after walking 4 days and 96 km due to painful knee issues. It was a tough decision, and my son and I were both very disappointed. Since all our accomodations were booked we decided to stay in Scotland and make the best of our time while being there.

It took some time to get over the disappointment and appreciate what we did accomplish. We walked 96 km, mostly on tough terrain, often wondering if we had missed a sign because there seemed to be no path at all. (Well, we actually did miss a sign on the last day, but that was due to bad weather.) We saw amazing vistas, and I’m so very happy I took the time to take pictures, even when pain was dominating the fourth day. They will make a great photobook. We met nice people, had nice chats and enjoyed tasty food. And although it was raining a lot after we officially ended our walk, we were able to explore the surroundings where our accomodations were on short walks. After all Scotland’s beauty is everywhere.

And who knows, maybe the way this journey ended was a sign. A sign to show me I hadn’t be true to myself. That I was focussed too much on the goal instead of the journey from the beginning, despite everything I had said about it. I joined My Peak Challenge in 2017 mainly because of the charity part and setting goals or challenges were not my thing, like I wrote in a previous blog. And yet I let myself get tempted to set a challenge, because when I’m really honest to myself, that is what this was, a challenge. I should have known better and stayed closer to myself, to who I am: someone who takes life and its events as it comes. Life itself offers enough challenges without me adding an extra one.

So here I am, I managed to walk halfway the West Highland Way, from Milngavie to Tyndrum creating beautiful memories along that path, no one can take that away! And who knows, maybe I can walk the remaining kilometers next year. If not, well, so be it. Que sera sera!

Counting down and an unexpected travelcompanion…

Only 5 days to go and I’ll be on my way to Scotland, to walk the West Highland Way. A little over 200 days ago I definitely booked everything necessary for this walk and have since then gathered the equipment I need for this journey.

The first thing I did, after deciding to walk the whole Way, was to buy a good pair of walking/hiking shoes. After excellent examination and advise in specialised store Het Loopcentrum in Horst (Limburg) (https://www.hetloopcentrum.nl/wandelen/ ) I came home with a pair of shoes that fit like a glove, and combined with good socks they have so far taken me many kilometers without pain or blisters. Gradually also other equipment founds its way to our home. A decent backpack, walkingtrousers, raingear and various clothing amongst others. And of course books and maps.

When I told my kids about my plan I could never have expected that I would end up booking the trip not only for myself but for a plus one as well. A few days after my announcement my oldest son came up to me and said he wanted to join me on that walk. It nearly blew me off my feet when I heard it! Although both my kids have always been active in sports (judo, soccer) and my oldest son always had a job that is fysical straining, long walks were definitely not their greatest hobby. And now one of them wanted to walk 154 km!

His explanation was that he had been thinking of his youth lately (he’s 26 at the moment) and especially of our holidays in France. We all have great memories of those vacations on a campsite near Castellane in the south of France, but somehow every year there was more than one day where things didn’t go smooth, easy and relaxed, and to be honest often he was to blame for it. The journey by car took too long, some of last year’s friends weren’t there, he didn’t like what was on the menu and so on. It left him grumpy and angry, me frustrated and angry and more than once I threatened to go home if he didn’t change his attitude. In the end we always stayed, and had great vacations. Fact is that he always came to apologise and, knowing my children, I know his apology was honest. Somehow certain situations left him out of control over his emotions and reason, causing him to get angry, yell and say things he didn’t mean. It took quite a few years for him to learn to deal with it. And with it came realisation that certain things can’t be undone.

Now, at the age of 26, and hearing my plan, he thought a lot of those moments. How he regrets to have ‘ruined’ one or more days every vacation and that he can never change that. And although I told him that growing up is never easy for children AND parents, and that we knew this when we became parents, he wanted to join me on this walk to create a joyful memory to look back on for both of us. His explanation moved me deeply. But, as touching as it was, I gave him time to think it over until November. In November I would start looking for an organisation to book a tour and if he still wanted to come with me at that time we would go together.

And we will go together! He didn’t change his mind, he got more determined to go. Looked things up on the internet about the West Highland Way, saw the beautiful photos from other walkers and got more and more enthusiastic. So, almost 200 days ago, I booked the tour for both of us, arranged flighttickets to Glasgow and transfer from and to the airport when we are in Scotland. And after that we got all the necessary equipment for him as well. We also went for long walks together in the neighbourhood. Not exactly the same conditions as in the Highlands, but determination and persistance to do this are just as important. And now we are both counting down untill we will finally be on our way next Tuesday.

Tour booked with Gemini Walks: http://www.geminiwalks.com/

Transfers booked with Go Haggis: https://www.go-haggis.com/

Lose your mind, find your soul

Yesterday’s walk with a group of 10 Dutch Peakers brought me to a small town in the province Zuid Holland, where the Peaker living there took us for a walk to show us her ‘backyard’. Again we discovered a beautiful part of our small country, another part of the Netherlands we would probably never have known of, if it weren’t for these walks.

Besides many familiar faces we also welcomed new members on this walk and, as happens every time, these new Peakers easily blended in in a group of Peakers who already know eachother for a longer time. We all come from different backgrounds and are of different age, but with (at least) one thing in common, we are all members of My Peak Challenge. Somehow this simple fact creates a bond even before meeting in real life.

One of the best things of these walks together, besides nature’s beauty, is that they offer an opportunity for conversation. Whether in the company of one other walker or a whole group, there is always something to talk about, chitchat or serious conversation. Especially serious topics are easier to talk about walking alongside someone than sitting opposite. It’s less confronting, there is more space around and there is room for emotions and for silence.

Talking while walking often helps to put things in perspective. Recognising your own difficulties in the story of a companion makes it less heavy. Sharing worries or issues doesn’t solve them, but somehow it makes them easier to bear. And the joy to be in nature and the laughter about the funny things in life are simply uplifting.

Walks like this spread so much positive energy, it has to be felt outside the group too. I always go home filled with energy, a happy heart, peaceful mind and feeling grateful for the friends and friendship I found through them.

An unexpected connection between past and present

I live in the Netherlands in the province Noord-Brabant. Besides its beautiful nature reserves Brabant is also the province where The Efteling, the largest themepark in the Netherlands, is situated. The Efteling has a history of 68 years and started as a place to relax and where fairytales were brought to life. Nowadays it’s a World of Wonders where fairytales, adventure and rollercoasters guarantee a day filled with fun and joy.

When I was little my parents often took me the Efteling. Especially on very warm days it was a welcome relief to be in the cool environment of the fairytales in the forest. In those days there was also a swimmingpool. When our own children were young hubby and I went there with them too, often when there was a fair in our hometown. The boys then had a free Monday and Tuesday from school while there was no nationwide holiday and often the only people in the park were from our hometown.

Dutch Peakers in the Efteling (2018)
Photo: Amfion

In October 2018 I visited the Efteling myself with a large group of Dutch Peakers of various age for a fun day out. And a fun day it was! No matter your age, the Efteling always brings your inner child out and makes you feel like a teenager again for a day, strolling through the fairytale forest, and taking rides in the rollercoasters and other attractions. And we talk. A lot!

Talking with other members of my chosen family are always the best part of these gatherings. They vary from chitchat to serious talks about the issues we encounter in life. And so, in the course of this wonderful day, one of our members, who lives in the province Flevoland, told about the challenge she had given herself: walking the dykes that surround Flevoland before the end of the year. To understand what that means I need to tell a bit about Flevoland.

Flevoland is the youngest and smallest province of the Netherlands, and above all, it’s a ‘man made’ province, a polder! The land was once covered with water, but by building dykes and using mills to pump away the water it became dry land where people could live. (This is a very short and simple way to explain, in fact it takes many many years before a polder is ready). The Netherlands know many of these areas that once were water, but now are dry land. Polders were created for various reasons, but mainly as protection against the water that surrounds our country and to create more space to live.

The Dutch Peaker who planned to walk the dykes that surround Flevoland wanted to do this as a way of embracing the province she is living in for 50 years now and we were welcome to join her on her walks which she had planned on the following Sundays. Two weeks later I joined her on her second walk.

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It wasn’t my first visit to Flevoland. Fifteen years before, in November 2003, I went there too, with my whole family, to plant trees for my father in ‘Het Wilhelminabos’ in Dronten. From 2000 until 2015 trees could be planted there (in November) in memory of loved ones who had lost their battle against cancer. The forest created this way, symbolises life. It grows, protects, dies and passes life on. It’s also a peaceful place, for memories, sadness and joy. The names of loved ones (many thousands) are engraved in glass panels at the site of the forest. My father had lost his battle in March 2003 and his grandchildren planted 2 trees in his memory. A few years later we visited the site again, to see for ourself how much the trees had grown.

And so last years visit to the themepark I once went to with my parents caused my return to the province where my children planted trees in memory of one of them ….

I embrace you with my feeling
I cross
Distance and time
Just touch you
Be close to you
Just for a moment
Just
Be with you

Highly Sensitive Extroverted Introvert

Recently I came across a post in Facebook in which the woman who wrote it told about her frustration of being an introvert. How she often stayed away from big events although she would have loved to go, simply because large groups of people made her feel uncomfortable. And how she wished that she was more extrovert. The corresponding quote and the comments that followed were very recognizable and got me thinking of my own personality.

Many years ago a homeapath told me that a am Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). High Sensitivity is a personality trait that’s unrelated to introversion and extroversion and being a highly sensitive person (HSP) doesn’t necessarily mean you’re super emotionally sensitive (although some HSPs are). Rather, it means your nervous system processes things more deeply than most people. It comes with a variety of advantages, which I will not explain here in full, but I can say that I relate to them.

When I was a young girl I often wondered why my dad never went to companyparties or why he always tried to avoid family events like birthdays and other festivities. Although a calm and quiet man, my dad was a very social and wellspoken person, and he was not afraid to stand in front of a large group of people. He was a good listener, interested in many subjects and loved a good conversation, always in a calm and thoughtfull way. But parties and gatherings were not his thing, and it took me a while, to realise that I am just like him.

I often went to parties and gatherings because that is what you are supposed to do when family or friends are involved. And it’s supposed to be nice and joyfull. And you’re supposed to enjoy yourself. But often I went home feeling terribly exhausted and lonely. The reason? No idea. I’m not afraid nor suffer from anxiety when I’m part of a large group of people. Exhaustion probably came from loud music, which kept on going in my head long after I had returned home. And somehow I always tended to end at the wrong side of the table or room, where conversations got in ways that didn’t interest me, or I ended up with the kind of people who hardly listen to what others have to say but who ‘dictate’ the course of conversations. Being not a tall person didn’t help either, and it still doesn’t. People often literally don’t see me because of their own length and ‘break in’ in conversations without even apologising. What happened to “wait for your turn to speak”? Sometimes I feel more alone and lonely in a room full of people than when I’m alone at home or during my walks alone on the moor. Feeling like the fifth wheel on the wagon.

Does that mean I only feel good when I’m alone? Not at all. I like to meet with good friends or go on vacation with family. I like to visit friends and spend a day or evening with them and talk about whatever comes up. I like to attend parties and celebrate with family and friends. Just not every party or celebration or event.

Reading the facebookpost I could relate somehow to that woman’s feelings, but not completely, and it made me look for some extra information about introversion, extroversion and HSP. The outcome of my little ‘research’ surprised me in a nice way. Of course no person is simply just introvert or extrovert, there is always an area in between. According to my findings “An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though they may enjoy interactions with close friends. Trust is usually an issue of significance: a virtue of utmost importance to introverts is choosing a worthy companion.” This fits me pretty accurate. My extroverted side however also let’s me enjoy parties and gatherings with family and friends too, even if it means a large group of people. But if, when and which ones I attend depends on the company.

Somehow it felt good when I saw this written out on paper. To me it explains why I sometimes have mixed feelings about situations. One part of me wants to participate, another part doesn’t. Not always easy. But there is no need to feel frustrated about it. It’s how I think and how I feel. It’s who I am: a Highly Sensitive Extroverted Introvert. And no, this is not a scientifically approved label, it’s just a combination of characteristics in which I recognise myself and that I can live with. Feels good to me!

There’s more than meets the eye

I work for a cleaningcompany, for more than 10 years now. Cleaning offices in officebuildings. It’s not an exciting, exceptional or important job. Nor does it come with high responsibilities. But I feel good in this job and I know the people I work for respect me and appreciate what I do.

But once I was a qualified physiotherapist and I worked in a practice in Germany for a few years. My patients were mainly children, from 0 – 16 years old. I loved my work. But life had other plans, and I had to choose different directions several times. I don’t regret the choices I made. To me regrets mean that you rather had lived your life differently and that the life you live is second choice. Besides, each job taught me something I could benefit from later.

I helped develop a course how to work with a certain databaseprogram and was a courseleader afterwards to train office employees how to work with it. It scared the hell out of me when my boss suggested this to me at first. I always hated to stand in front of a large group of people and now this?! But saying no was no option, so I did it. And it went well.

When my hubby started a cafetaria I helped him wherever and with whatever I could. I never worked in this branche before, but I learned how to fry snacks and such, prepare takeaway food and serve tables. In the meantime I learned all I needed to do bookkeeping as well.

When we sold the cafetaria due to hubby’s healthproblems, but also for him to spend more time with his family, I started working in a greenhouse, picking cucumbers in summer and lettuce in winter. Physically it was a tough job. Heavy lifting, hot in summer and cold in winter, but I could schedule my working hours in a way that I was at home for my children when they were. Perfect for all involved. When my boss decided to stop with his company I started working for the cleaningcompany I still work for at the moment.

As I said before, I have no regrets. Every job taught me something I could use or that helped me in following years, whether mentally or physically. It kept me in shape and, more important, I was there in times my family needed me the most. I know why I did what I did and still do, who I am and what my competences are. I made choices freely and sometimes was forced to make them, but I took life as is it came, adapted and went on. Some things were meant to be I guess, to push me in the right direction, prevent bad things to happen to me or my family or simply to prepare me for my future.

No, I have no regrets. There’s more than meets the eye, and I am the one who knows exactly what!

Friendship through the Veils of Time

Yesterday hubby and I paid a visit to friends we hadn’t seen in a very long time.Our friendship goes back 35 years, from the time I met her when we started working as physiotherapists in a practice in Krefeld in Germany. After working in that practice for 1,5 years we went different ways, but our friendship remained and both our partners joined in that friendship. Sometimes many years got by without meeting or having a chat over the phone, but every time the 4 of us met it was as if we only met last week and we picked up the thread where we left it. Yesterday was the first time in 6 years….

We have a lot in common besides our profession. Age, married, 2 children, various interests, enough to fill hours of wonderful conversations and visits are always filled with joy, fun, jokes and laughter.

But for more than 25 years we share worries because of health issues too. I with my hubby with multiple chronic illnesses, and she as a 3 times breastcancersurvivor. My hubby started to have issues with his health when he was in his 30’s, my friend was diagnosed with breastcancer for the first time when she wasn’t even 40! And being a partner of one of these people, her husband and I were confronted with all the sorrow and worries that come with it, meanwhile keeping things on track for families with young children.

Above, and despite, all we all share a strong determination to go on, not to quit, no matter what. My hubby still works, despite his pain, poor lungs, a pacemaker and a hipreplacement. And my friend, well, she got back to work as a physiotherapist only 4 weeks after she had both breasts amputated last time the cancer came back, 10 years ago! They both (and we with them) kept on going where others had already quit long ago, saying: “there are always people with bigger issues.”

Keep on going like this is only possible when partners are equally strong and determined, no matter how hard it is. And as a partner you grow in it. It becomes part of your life and way of living, to take your partner’s health into account in almost everything you do.

And now the 4 of us are (almost) all 60 years of age and slowly we start to realise that we are tired, that it’s enough. That a life of taking responsibility, being determined to go on and never quit where others would, took its toll on all of us, patients AND their partner! That we have reached our limit.

Reading our partner’s healthfiles should be enough for authorities to say “you’ve done enough for society, you get the recognition and the rest you deserve”. Instead we have to fight to convince authorities of it and our government expects us to work longer because statistics tell we live longer. We know we’re not alone in this, and that there are many others like us, and of course we won’t give up. We never did, and never will. But with every year that passes it gets a little harder, it requires a bit more effort, it hurts a little more, and we realise:

We are strong, but we are tired.

Mine

My family and I are going through tough times. This is nothing new for us, life was never dull over here. Whether it was family, business, emotional, financial, parents, children, we’ve had our share of worries and trouble. We’re no exception to other families I guess. Like we say in the Netherlands: “ieder huisje heeft zijn kruisje” (free translation: every house bears its cross). But there comes a time, and maybe that is age related, that it is enough. And although I’ve been there before and came over it, it feels that this time I need to write it down, to put things in order and have it on paper.

When I was a young girl I kept a diary. I wrote daily about the things that are important in a young girl’s life. The Diary of Anne Frank was an example for me. Not that I could write like her, it came not even close. No deep thoughts or contemplations, I just wrote down what interested me and what went on in my life. When I grew older and met my hubby I stopped. But in difficult times I often took a notebook and wrote about what happened and how I felt about it. Somehow it works liberating to write your troubles down, as if it takes away a bit of weight and room from the brain to make way for other, more pleasant thoughts. More and more I get the feeling that this blog, without knowing it beforehand, is going to do the same.

All kinds of topics come up when I think of what I want to write about in this blog. When I started I thought it would be a kind of summary of reasons, events and steps I took to prepare for my journey in June. But, the more I think about the topics, this blog also becomes a way of expressing my feelings and emotions in a turbulent time where so many people lean on me, and I realise that going to Scotland is not just to go back and walk in one of the most beautiful parts of it. Most of all it’s a way to do something all by myself and for myself, and to have something that is mine!

It’s MY walk, MY journey, MY adventure.

Eyes, windows to the world

Foto door Mark Arron Smith op Pexels.com

I have a bad eyesight since I was a young girl. My windows to the world are fogged windows so I wear glasses since I was 10, followed by contactlenses when I was 18, and back to glasses again in my late forties.

Ten years ago my eyesight had become such a problem that a visit to an eyedoctor was required and it showed that I had severe cornea damage on both eyes. My windows were not only fogged but cracked as well. The cause is still unknown but I’m wearing very special contactlenses ever since. These skleralenses transfer my foggy, cracked windows into cristalclear and clean windows and my vision fully depends on them. The only other option is a cornea transplant. After years of trouble I finally had a clear and sharp view thanks to my artificial windows. They literally opened a new world to me.

There was also cataract slumbering in my right eye at that time but it never caused any problems. Until February 2018. My eyesight became blurry and adjusting the lenses didn’t solve the problem, surgery was needed. And that was the second event why I am where I am now, almost on my way to Scotland again.

After cataract surgery the patient is not allowed to bend down, lift heavy or do anything that can cause pressure on the eye. So, since I have a fysically tough job, I knew I had to stay at home for 2 weeks. At least that was the normal procedure, little did I know I would be at home much longer afterwards. I decided to go out for a walk after surgery every day, as soon as I was allowed to, in order to stay fit until I could return back to work and thus prevent living those weeks on the couch. In January I started with walks on Sunday and 2 days after surgery I went out for a walk every day.

And that is how it all started. Stepping out of my front door, ‘armed’ with sunglasses because it was bright and sunny that month, and I simply started walking. Not knowing that I would become really addicted to walking, let alone long distance walking!

There was one condition I gave myself though: take pictures on your walk!

But that’s another blog….